www.raisinggrandchildren.com.au

Support is available - you are not alone

When you find yourself in the position of a grandparent raising your grandchildren you suddenly discover there are a staggering number of emotions that come with the job.

One minute you have an overwhelming need to comfort and protect your grandchildren – and the next you are longing for someone to just take them off your hands for a while.

Just when you have convinced yourself that you can cope with being a ‘parent’ again (after all you’ve done it before!) you suddenly realise the enormity of what has happened and find yourself wondering where the next bit of energy is going to come from and what you are going to do.

Don’t expect yourself to do it on your own. You may feel alone but you are not. There are grandparent support groups and services that can help.

When the children first arrive ...where do you go for help?

Grandparents sometimes find they are in a situation where they suddenly have to set up their homes for children without a great deal of warning.

In these situations the best place to go is to one of the local Charities with Op Shops. They can provide furniture and clothing and may even help with toys, food parcels and essential bills if you are experiencing difficulties.

If the children have been placed with you through the Department of Community Services – DoCS - they may provide you with funding for setting up costs. Enquire through your local office. Even if they have not placed the children in your care they might still be able to help. They have a policy of kinship care for children needing to live out of home and a responsibility to see that children are not disadvantaged in their living situations.

How should I deal with the children?

If you have not been prepared for your grandchildren to suddenly come into your care there will be a host of things to deal with. Apart from the obvious - where does everyone sleep, how do we clothe the children, how do we stretch the budget, what will everyone eat? There are emotional issues – a turmoil of feelings that you and the children will be coping with.

Be prepared for the fact that the children will no doubt be in shock. They have gone through whatever trauma has brought them to you – and they are likely to be upset and scared. They might show their feelings by being quiet and withdrawn, angry and rude, or they might follow you around and cry, wanting attention and reassurance.

They will benefit most from love at this point and reassurance that they are safe and that you are not going to leave them. Hugs are important if they are willing to accept them and most importantly they will want to know what to expect from you. You need to let them know what you are doing to help make life better for them here and now.

Start by establishing rules – what they can do and what you expect. For example – what time we go to bed, what time we get up. If they feel scared during the night let them know where you are and if it is okay to wake you up. Let them know about meal times and what there are for snacks – children that have been through a time of neglect are often malnourished. They might eat larger meals than you expect. They may be used to food being scarce and might take to hoarding food. Let them know that there is enough to go around – and encourage them to talk about their concerns and fears.

Talk with the children - if they have been in an abusive household they will not trust you if you yell or smack them.

Establish consequences as a form of discipline: If you don’t eat your dinner you don’t get a snack before bed. If you don’t do your homework there is no TV for two nights.

Make sure they are consequences you will follow through on – not threats that have no meaning. For parenting advice visit www.raisingchildren.net.au or phone the Parent Line.

Where do I go for longer term assistance?

- Join a support group, or find an indigenous service or multicultural service

- Look after your health and wellbeing

- For ongoing support needs click here for the Smith Family and The Mirabel Foundation