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Support is available - you are not alone
When you find yourself in the position of a grandparent raising your grandchildren you suddenly discover there are a staggering number of emotions that come with the job.
One minute you have an overwhelming need to comfort and protect your grandchildren – and the next you are longing for someone to just take them off your hands for a while.
Just when you have convinced yourself that you can cope with being a 'parent' again (after all you've done it before!) you suddenly realise the enormity of what has happened and find yourself wondering where the next bit of energy is going to come from and what you are going to do.
Don't expect yourself to do it on your own. You may feel alone but you are not. There are
grandparent support groups
and services that can help.
When the children first arrive ...where do you go for help?
Grandparents sometimes find they are in a situation where they suddenly have to set up their homes for children without a great deal of warning.
In these situations the best place to go is to one of the local Charities with Op Shops. They can provide furniture and clothing and may even help with toys, food parcels and essential bills if you are experiencing difficulties.
If the children have been placed with you through the Department of Community Services – DoCS - they may provide you with funding for setting up costs. Enquire through your local office. Even if they have not placed the children in your care they might still be able to help. They have a policy of kinship care for children needing to live out of home and a responsibility to see that children are not disadvantaged in their living situations.
How should I deal with the children?
If you have not been prepared for your grandchildren to suddenly come into your care there will be a host of things to deal with. Apart from the obvious - where does everyone sleep, how do we clothe the children, how do we stretch the budget, what will everyone eat? There are emotional issues – a turmoil of feelings that you and the children will be coping with.
Be prepared for the fact that the children will no doubt be in shock. They have gone through whatever trauma has brought them to you – and they are likely to be upset and scared. They might show their feelings by being quiet and withdrawn, angry and rude, or they might follow you around and cry, wanting attention and reassurance.
They will benefit most from love at this point and reassurance that they are safe and that you are not going to leave them. Hugs are important if they are willing to accept them and most importantly they will want to know what to expect from you. You need to let them know what you are doing to help make life better for them here and now.
Start by establishing rules – what they can do and what you expect. For example – what time we go to bed, what time we get up. If they feel scared during the night let them know where you are and if it is okay to wake you up. Let them know about meal times and what there are for snacks – children that have been through a time of neglect are often malnourished. They might eat larger meals than you expect. They may be used to food being scarce and might take to hoarding food. Let them know that there is enough to go around – and encourage them to talk about their concerns and fears.
Talk with the children - if they have been in an abusive household they will not trust you if you yell or smack them.
Establish consequences as a form of discipline: If you don't eat your dinner you don't get a snack before bed. If you don't do your homework there is no TV for two nights.
Make sure they are consequences you will follow through on – not threats that have no meaning. For parenting advice visit www.raisingchildren.net.au or phone the Parent Line.
Where do I go for longer term assistance?
For the Carers NSW Support Group Guide click here
Setting Up Support Groups & Services
COTA(NSW) has understand that grandparents who are raising their grandchildren have a variety of support needs and require a range of services to help them cope with their lives.
The information provided here is intended to be useful to people who are
interested in providing support groups and services to grandparents who are raising their grandchildren.
It is general information based on evidence collected over a number of
years of consulting and liaising with grandparents, support workers and other professionals.
It is not considered to be a comprehensive training manual; however it
will provide basic information from which others can grow their own expertise.
What can we do to Help?
Over the years of research and developing awareness around grandparent headed families an understanding of the complexities surrounding these families has emerged
As in most other Community Service situations working with grandparents raising grandchildren requires flexibility and innovation. One size does not fit all and what works in one region may not be fully applicable in another.
It is now agreed by many professionals that this is a specialist area of work and in some regions of NSW Grandparent Support Workers have been appointed through federal or state funding. At the time of publishing this material funding of grandparent support services has been achieved in the following areas:
Nowra: Mission Australia - federal funding Central Coast: Gosford Family Services - state funding Blue Mountains and the Nepean: Springwood Neighbourhood Centre - state funding Hunter region: Samaritans - federal funding Coffs Harbour Region: Boambee East Neighbourhood Centre - state funding
These services have achieved funding through different pockets of money and each service has developed according to their funding agreements and the identified needs of their region.
What can you do to Help?
The ideal is to be able to offer a wide range of services when providing
support:
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Information services
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Support groups
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Counselling for both grandparents and the children
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Educational sessions for grandparents
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Respite services
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Advocacy
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Practical support in negotiating the maize of services available within government and non-government sectors
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Access to lobbying networks that hold an overview of the situation
1. Information Services
Often grandparents don't know who to turn to - or how to ask for help. Some haven't even realised that help is available and they struggle on in the belief that they are on their own and they just have to cope. They may have been given the children - but they haven't been given the information they need to do the job required in raising them.
Grandparents benefit from consistent and reliable information and
support
For some grandparents basic information on such things as financial and
legal supports and services is all that they are looking for when they start out. Their needs may be filled by a general support and information service such as provides or they may wish to be put in contact with a support service that can give more detailed regional information.
The booklet Grandparents Raising Grandchildren... Where do you go for
HELP? provides useful, basic information and can be downloaded for general use by any grandparent or service provider.
What can you do to Help?
Local support services need to be able to provide specific information for grandparents that is pertinent to their region:
Holding an Information Day for Grandparents in your region may prove very beneficial. Representatives of local services can make themselves available to answer questions and provide brochures. A day such as this becomes a valuable networking opportunity for community workers to see who else is providing support in the area and provides grandparents with a setting to ask questions and get the answers they need.
A hint on running such a day
Over the years it has been found that when grandparents and workers come together in larger groups to share information and stories there can be a lot of grief and therefore a reasonable amount of frustration and anger. This is totally understandable and to be expected - and in fact is a natural part of large group dynamics.
What can you do to Help?
It has been found that by breaking into smaller groups of grandparents where people can ask questions more easily and get more individual attention there is a lessening of frustration.
In these settings grandparents feedback that they feel heard and have
received much of the information they are needing. They also make suggestions on what other topics interest them - and so provide guidance regarding service development. Very helpful!
Another information day that has been very successful for grandparents
is a Grandparents and the Law day. The Legal Aid Commission will assist as will local legal experts. Grandparents need information on Family Law, how the court systems work, how to get Legal Aid and how to develop the best custody arrangements.
2. Developing Grandparent Support Groups There are a growing number of
Grandparent Support Groups to be found in NSW.
The structure of support groups varies - but the purpose is always the
same: they provide an opportunity for grandparents to share stories, swap ideas and learn more about how to cope. They are places for a friendly cuppa and a chat with people who really know what you are going through.
Most groups are run by grandparents who support other grandparents
through their ups and downs. However, increasingly community service organisations are adding their assistance and offering support to keep these groups going.
Groups often meet at Neighbourhood Centres, Family Service agencies or
some other local community organisation - or maybe in a church hall. Staff often help organise guest speakers and act as a resource point forthe group. Sometimes staff take a greater role and lead the groups.
How does a Support Group work?
Support groups are a place where people can give and receive both emotional and practical support and exchange information. A support group generally involves a small number of people who get together on a regular basis to share, get confirmation that their feelings are 'normal', learn additional coping skills and sometimes just generally let off steam. They are a wonderful place for information exchange.
QUOTE: "If it hadn't been for the support group I wouldn't have found
out half the services that are available to me. It has been the best place for finding out where to go for help."
Support groups might be formally or informally run. They may be set up
by grandparents or local community workers and may meet in a range of venues - from Community Centres to someone's lounge room. They are made up of people with common interests and experiences. People who have been through, or are going through, a similar circumstance, who can do more than sympathize - they can relate to what each person is going through and can keep grandparents from feeling they are alone.
Support groups vary in how often they meet, their areas of focus, and
who runs them. Some support groups are run by professional facilitators - local community support workers - or by specific groups (for example, a Parents as Teachers group attached to a school). There are also peer-support groups, which have been set up by grandparents looking for support when they have not found a professional available.
In some areas support groups are set up around a playgroup. Somewhere
that grandparents can go to chat while the children are occupied by a Support Worker. Shared experience is what it is all about.
QUOTE: "I come here to the group because the kids are occupied and I can
have a bit of a break. They do some painting and stuff while I have a cuppa and chat with the other grannies. Sometimes we have a guest speaker and learn things. Sometimes we just chin wag! It helps."
How often does a group meet?
Groups meet regularly: sometimes on a weekly or fortnightly basis, sometimes monthly. They may meet for two hours and they may at timeschoose to meet together for a whole day over topics of interest.
Groups might be run formally as a meeting or on a more informal basis.
In some regions where there are a number of support groups in existence they may choose to meet together for a larger function: a Grandparents and the Law day for instance, where guest speakers can be involved and grandparents can benefit from a wider range of connections.
What makes a group work well?
Research into support groups shows that:
Any group in which people can meet others going through similar
experiences works if they feel safe in the environment - it has a relative degree of comfort and they can trust the people around them.
People need to feel they are not alone - grandparents benefit from
hearing the stories and experiences of others and develop a group of 'friends' that they can share with openly; a sense of community.
People need to feel they are understood - that there is empathy within
the group and that others are not going to criticize them. Grandparents often lose support of family and friends who can't relate to the role they are taking in raising their grandchildren.
How do I start a Support Group?
Often the best way to get a support group going for grandparents raising their grandchildren is to start with a Forum or a morning tea.
A local Neighbourhood Centre or Family Service agency might provide a
venue and help put on the day. Generally a good speaker will assist the success - a Centrelink worker is a good place to start. COTA (NSW) may also provide a speaker who can talk about the benefits of setting up asupport group.
Publicity for the day can generally be achieved through contacting the
local newspaper. It is best to try to get them to do an article rather than a community announcement. If they are told you are trying to start a Grandparent Support Group in the area they are generally very helpful.
There are a growing number of Grandparent Support Groups to be found in NSW.
The structure of support groups varies – but the purpose is always the same: they provide an opportunity for grandparents to share stories, swap ideas and learn more about how to cope. They are places for a friendly cuppa and a chat with people who really know what you are going through.
Most groups are run by grandparents who support other grandparents through their ups and downs. However, increasingly community service organisations are adding their assistance and offering support to keep these groups going. Groups often meet at Neighbourhood Centres, Family Support Centres or some other local community organisation. Staff often help organise guest speakers and act as a resource point for the group.
For information about setting up a support group, Carers NSW has a detailed guide of how to develop a carers support group and how to sustain it
For the Carers NSW Setting up a Carer Support Group Resource click here
MyTime
MyTime groups provide facilitated peer support for mums, dads, grandparents and anyone caring for children with a disability, developmental delay or chronic medical condition. Socialise and share ideas and information with others who understand the rewards and intensity of caring for a child with special needs.
For more information click here
Find a Support Group
Click Here to Find A Support Group Near You